One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
