There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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