i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
