I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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