he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
