K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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