I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
