Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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