my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
