Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i barfeds in our rink
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
