so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
