i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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