Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
