I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
