people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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