i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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