Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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