this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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