Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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