you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
