Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
