Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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