Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
