trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think your dad took our porno
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
