dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
