i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
