Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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