It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
