don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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