im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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