I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
