My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
