So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
