I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
