How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize