The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
