ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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