There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
