Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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