just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
