I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
