Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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