I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
