Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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