I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
