I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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