just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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