I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
