I faked an abortion last night.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
