his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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