TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
