just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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