I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
