The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Use "feeling words"
Yay
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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