I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
