I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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