The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
