i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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