this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize