My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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