Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
