im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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