I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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